How To Decide When To End A Relationship

A relationship takes a lot of hard work to maintain, even if you love one another. Every relationship is going to hit hard times at some point but if you’re serious about it, you should take steps to work through those problems and come out stronger on the other side. But in some cases, you can’t work through the issues in the relationship and it’s time to bring things to an end. Deciding whether there are things you can do to fix the relationship or whether you should end it can be difficult and if you don’t make the right call, you might end up regretting it for years to come. If you’re struggling to decide if you should end a relationship or not, here are some things to consider.

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Have You Spoken To A Professional?

This is usually a last resort option before you decide to end things for good. Sometimes, you and your partner just don’t know how to work around a problem but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be solved. If you go to couples counselling, they will be able to help you get to the root of the problems in the relationship and show you techniques and behaviour to help you improve things. If you get to that stage and things still aren’t working, then it might be time to throw in the towel and end the relationship.

Do You Trust Each Other?

Trust is one of the most important parts of a relationship. Your partner should be a person that you can trust without question and if that isn’t the case, you’re in big trouble. If you find that you’re constantly questioning your partner about where they’ve been or what they’ve been doing, that’s a bad sign. If you’re both feeling that way, communication will break down between you and that is going to kill the relationship completely. When you find yourself starting to mistrust one another, you need to start being honest with your partner and hope that they do the same. In some cases, you’ll find that your worries are unfounded and things will start to repair themselves but if you can’t rebuild that trust, it’s probably time to put an end to the relationship and go your separate ways.

Do You Have The Same Values?

Our personal values make us who we are. Your beliefs about the world should be important to you and your partner should be someone that understands and respects those values. That doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything and you can still have a fulfilling relationship with somebody even if you have different ideals about certain things. However, the important thing to remember is that there should always be a level of respect between the two of you. When somebody doesn’t respect your values, that’s when alarm bells should start ringing. If disagreements about things are starting to come between the two of you, you need to sit down and talk about it. If you can come to some kind of compromise and move forward, things will be ok. But if your difference of opinion is constantly causing arguments and you can’t find a way around it, the relationship isn’t likely to work out.

Are You Excited About The Future?

When you’ve been with somebody for a while and the relationship becomes serious, you’ll start thinking about the future. The idea of getting married to that person and starting a family with them should be exciting to you. But if you find that you’re thinking about it and it’s not exciting you, you need to ask yourself why. In some cases, the reason that you aren’t looking forward to your future with that person is because there are other issues with the relationship. If you can take steps to sort out those issues, you might find that your attitude changes and you start to look forward to your future together again. But if you learn to work through the other problems in the relationship and you’re still not able to picture a happy future together, that’s a sign that you just aren’t right for one another and you should not move forward with the relationship.

Do You Still Have Fun?

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In the early stages of a relationship, it’s all the good stuff without any of the bad. But when things get a bit more serious and you start living together etc. you’ll have to deal with some of the more boring day to day aspects of a relationship. That’s normal and you’re not going to be spending as much time going out on dates and having fun together like you did when you first met. However, it’s important that you’re still enjoying one another’s company. If you aren’t, you’re just 2 people living together, you’re not in a healthy relationship. All of that fun stuff comes easily at the start of a relationship but when you’ve been together for a while, you need to work at it a bit. Make an effort to find time for each other and try to do more interesting things in the evenings, rather than just sitting and watching the TV together. If you’re still struggling and even when you do find the time, you just don’t enjoy each other’s company anymore, the relationship may not be right.

Do You Still Know Them?

This sounds like an odd question but after you’ve been with somebody for a long while and you might have started to grow apart, you can lose sight of who that person is. If you think that they’ve changed a lot recently and you feel like you don’t know them anymore, that’s a warning sign. It’s normal for people to change and you shouldn’t end the relationship right away, you should make an effort to get to know them again. But if you find that you don’t get along like you did when you first met, no matter how hard you try, then the relationship probably cannot be saved.

Ending a relationship is always a huge decision so make sure that you consider these things before you do anything.

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Reclaim Your Apartment After Living With Your Ex

It’s never a happy situation to go through, a breakup. But what’s even worse is when you go through a breakup, and you’ve still got to live with your partner, at least for a little while. With all of the stress, anxiety, and trying to avoid one another until they leave, the relationship can taint your apartment. So when they finally go, how can you reclaim the apartment as your own once again, but also make sure that you move on with your life?

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Redecorate

The first thing you should try and do is alter the feel of the place. Once your ex has finally bid goodbye to the place, it’s time to take advantage of making the space completely your own. You might need a bit of help, and there are plenty of renovation companies like World of Renovation that can help you out, or if you are struggling financially, pepper the place with some accessories that you didn’t dare hang up before. It’s your space, do what you want with it!

Don’t Let Them Get Away Without Paying Their Half

You might be blindsided with rage and so eager to get them out the door, that you could be lumbered with a massive electric bill. This could be the most difficult part of splitting up, apart from the emotional impact of course, but if they try to get away scot-free, and emails or phone calls aren’t cutting it, you are within your rights to demand they pay up. This might be an incredible annoyance, but at the end of the day, if you are struggling to make ends meet, this money can mean the difference between you staying in the apartment and moving out. Finalizing the bills is an annoying process, to say the least, but if the relationship ends on a sour note, they may try and get away without paying their fair share. Of course, this is completely unfair on you, and it may not feel like it’s worth the fight, but you are with yourself to fight your corner, especially if you’ve been putting up with so much crap during the relationship.

Give Yourself The Time To Grieve

For all of the painful aspects of breaking up with anyone, and the inevitable fall out over money, you might forget to grieve. You shared an apartment together, and it could be difficult for the first month or two, or even longer if you decide to stay there. But, there’s a reason you’re staying in this apartment, and, more than likely, it’s because it’s too good to give up! So, allow yourself the time to grieve the relationship. Yes, you have precious memories with your ex here, but life moves on, so don’t beat yourself up about the relationship ending. And, after all, and you’ve got the apartment to redecorate and make your own!

Some of us just want to move on as quickly as possible, and this means leaving the apartment behind. Sometimes though, you’ve bought an apartment, or it’s a space that’s too good to leave. It can mean a difficult transition period, but reclaiming your apartment means you can just put your stamp all over it now. You don’t need to share the space, so embrace this!

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Sticking Together Through Easy Riding and Bumpy Roads

Getting into a relationship is an exciting, butterfly spamming experience that will begin setting you up for the rest of your life. You will have no doubt gone through an endless number of relationships, from innocent schoolyard hand holding to your first serious experiences as a teenager, to university flings and then, now you are older, to your first forays into the world of an adult relationship.

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You will also, at some point, experienced heartache. This could be for any number of reasons. But some of these reasons can include immaturity, you and your previous partner wanting wholly different things, or merely just coming to the end of some finding-yourself experiment.

You will have loved and laughed and learned. As you grow older, the need to be with someone is something that slips into everybody’s mind. When you find this person, you will realise sooner rather than later that this is the person you want to be with without caring about what anybody else may think. You will accept all their faults and stand by them throughout everything that comes your way. You will stop being an I and instead become We.

Because of this, you both need to work together to hold on to one another, no matter if the road ahead looks fraught with challenges, or even if things seem to be going exceptionally well.

YOUR PROBLEMS ARE OUR PROBLEMS

Continual support for your partner throughout thick and thin is essential for fostering a relationship built on trust and transparency where you are open about anything and everything. This will allow you both to avoid any unfortunate surprises as well as feel comfortable in discussing any issues that you may have.

And these problems can range from minute issues such as the way you cook your eggs to something further, something more damaging that, if not discussed openly can have ruinous effects on your relationship. This can include things such as addictions, anxieties, doubts, and anything else that if not talked about can breed distrust and only cause further problems later on.

In situations such as this and as terrifying a prospect as discussing your supposed faults and issues with your partner, you will feel better receiving support for it all once it is said and done. Furthermore, while there is a large chance that your partner may decide it is not for them – through no fault of their own, some people just react like that – at least it will save you both further heartache down the line.

If they do decide to leave, then you should at least hope to still have their support in helping you change for the better. If not, then it is for the best you have both decided to move on. In relationships, there is no such thing as an isolated problem, and no one person is an island. However, hiding these problems from your partner will only exacerbate the issue later on.




TOGETHER WHATEVER

The fact that we can travel far and wide in the modern world has granted people the opportunity to meet anybody, anywhere and perhaps even fall in love with them. It is becoming something of a romantic tale that two people meet while in a different country, experience all the wonders of the word together and then, at the airport at the end of it all, have to say goodbye.

Long distance can be a tough thing to tackle. However, if you can make it work, then it will build a stronger relationship that is sure to last a lifetime. Before embarking on something that will change the course of your life though, you need to ensure that you can handle living together.

Visiting your partner’s country and living with them for a time can be something that will make or break your future. You will learn more about each other and be able to understand what cohabitation is like. From here, you will be able to work out any issues in the relationship and move forward. Or, you will realise that it is perhaps just not meant to be and go home.

If you do realise that this person is seriously the one, then you will eventually want to look into one of you staying permanently in the other’s home country. Those with dual citizenship for both your and their country will find these easy. However, those without it can look into more information on spouse visas which will give you everything you need regarding the transition from old home to new.

FROM DISAPPOINTMENT BLOOMS HOPE

Every couple will at some point in their lives suffer a disappointment that maybe came out of nowhere and it seems that everything is tumbling toward a downward spiral that looks impossible to recover from. This disappointment can stem from the inability to conceive, being denied a loan to buy a house and start the next stage of your life, or getting promotions at work or looking for a new job.

When this disappointment does strike, it is only natural to believe that things will only get worse. However, no matter how bleak and grim your situation may seem at the minute, it is essential that you keep your chin up and continue moving forward.

As bad as things can get, believing that things can, and will, only get better is vital to building on this disappointment and striving towards improving your situation. Taking on a positive attitude may seem impossible in any depressing situation, but letting this disappointment consume you will only make things worse, even if you felt they wouldn’t get any worse.

Understanding that your disappointment will bloom hope is the first step to making things better. While this may take time, it will pay great dividends in the long-term. No matter what the disappointment may be, looking towards ways in which you can change your situation, as opposed to wallowing in self-pity, will make the transition easier than you might have expected. You can’t predict what will happen in your life, so assuming that there is no light at the end of the tunnel is counterproductive.  Things will get better, but only if you and your partner make an effort to improve them.




CLEAN SAILING

There will be tough times in your relationship, but there will also be times where everything is perfect. These are the times where food tastes sweeter, the sky is bluer, and you hit every green light on the way to work. Life, in a word, is excellent.

And during these times you will have an extra spring in your step. You won’t fight with your partner over insignificant issues, you will look to support them in everything and be supported in return, and it feels as if you have developed a bond that no one can break.

However, as blissful as this may be, it can also lead to complacency. Just because everything is peachy and you find yourself sailing over calm waters with not a cloud in sight doesn’t mean you can begin to neglect the things that made your relationship as picturesque as it became.

A lot of couples fall into the trap of the routine. They become so comfortable in their day-to-day that they forget what ignited the spark to begin with. To avoid this, ensure that you both keep things fresh. It is not up to one individual, but both of you. Treat each other randomly throughout the week or month, surprise the other with a trip or dinner reservation. Whisk them away without telling them where you are going (not in a kidnap-y way, though) and keep things fresh.

A strong relationship takes work and don’t assume that just because you are both happy that you can afford to ease the speed. Couples will naturally lose much of the passion that was first apparent when you got together, you have to keep striving to deliver that passion, and live happily ever after.

EASY RIDES, BUMPY ROADS

It is (mostly) impossible to live out your lives together without having little disagreements every now and again. But as long as the good times outweigh the bad, then you will both continue to enjoy your time together and start a family, buy a house, and grow old together and retire to some sandy shore where you can watch the sunset every night from your balcony.

As long as you both continue to support each other through both thick and thin you needn’t worry about further problems arising between the two of you. But life is tough and often unfair, there is no predicting what might happen in the future and so it is up to the both of you to seek solutions to fix any of life’s problems together.

Share your doubts and your worries, discuss them like adults and fight for your relationship, without this fight, then you may discover yourselves drifting apart, cooking up resentment for any legitimate or sometimes imagined slights. A healthy and strong relationship can weather any storm, and you both want to be happy, and each other to be happy, too. Do everything you can to make this a reality, and go forth into the world together.

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Toxic Relationships in Addiction

Hi to you all and I am so sorry I haven’t been very active with writing lately, it has been a rocky start to this year and I have made a lot of changes to my life that are very exciting. If you want to read about the biggest change you can check out my post about why I want to be a mommy blogger on my baby website.

Today I want to share my knowledge and experience with toxic relationships in addiction. If you are looking for help for a loved one, please check out this post!

For me there are two sides to this topic that are very important. The first one is that if you are an addict all your relationships are toxic or damaged. This is what this post will address, specifically love relationships.




The other aspect of this topic is Sex and Love Addiction, this is something I will go into on another post. For now I will just say that I personally believe that every addict/ alcoholic should look into sex and love addiction simply because like I said every relationship of an addict in active addiction is either severely toxic or damaged.

Toxic Relationships in Addiction

Toxic Relationships in Addiction

So why do I say that every relationship of an addict in active addiction is either toxic or severely damaged? It is simple really, think about it…. you’re flying high as a kite on drugs right? Who wants to be in your company? You are drunk as a skunk, mumbling incoherently and you think the person listening to you is in a healthy state of mind?

Not a chance! If you are in active addiction or alcoholism then none of the people you are hanging out with is in a good mental state.

I am now referring to every relationship you have and every person has a number of different relationships. There are the relationship between yourself and your employer, your parents, your children, your lover or spouse, your friends… even the person that works at the corner shop that you go to regularly. You may not know that person very well and it may be a very sort of vague relationship but it is there. Anyone and everyone that you come into contact with can be considered a relationship.

And if you are an active addict or an alcoholic you can bet that every single relationship is toxic or damaged!




Here is a great example of how an addict recently damaged a relationship with me. There is a man that works in our complex, he does all the gardens in our complex. I don’t know his name, but I greet him every time I see him. I nod in his direction and smile. He does our garden every Tuesday. So we have had a relationship of sorts, a pleasant relationship.

However on Sunday while I was home alone with my 4 year old daughter there was a knock on our door. I looked out the window and saw it was this man. I opened the door without thinking about it. I mean I know the guy right?

I immediately saw he was high on drugs. He was edgy and mumbling and asking me for money, giving some story about how he was supposed to be paid but something went  wrong and can I please give him 50 bucks. I said no immediately, I mean this is actually a dangerous situation. I know, I have been on drugs. He then said but he will give it back to me on Monday. I told him  he has misunderstood me, there is no money on this property.

My daughter then jumps up and shouts she has money. You know, one of those ridiculous moments? He starts looking around me at my daughter, with a hopeful look on his face. I told him she is confused, she has no money here and I give my daughter a death look to try and shut her up.

I never knew he had a problem. He works during the week and has no reason to be here on a Sunday knocking on my door. This relationship is now completely damaged and I feel unsafe having a drug addict working around my property. I am at home alone during the day and this man knows this. I have my children at home alone with me in the afternoon and he knows this too doesn’t he?

So now a perfectly good relationship has been damaged by drugs. I am going to have to have a talk to the people that run the complex and tell them I am not happy with this man working here and this is a horrible and uncomfortable situation for me.

Why Can’t Addicts Have Healthy Relationships?

They just can’t. Eventually every relationship will become tarnished by the addicts behavior as I have clearly illustrated in the point above. To an addict every person is good for one thing only. What they can do for the addict. Can they provide funding for their habit? Can they give the addict a place to stay when they have been evicted? Can they cover for the addict’s lies and manipulation?

Ok so I am making addicts sound like the devil himself…. umm yeah well that’s how it really is. The addict thinks of nothing and nobody except him or herself and his or her drugs and using. This is the nature of addiction. It is a selfish and ugly problem to have.




What About Love Relationships in Addiction?

Unfortunately this is the same and it gets even uglier here. If you are an addict and you are in a relationship with someone I will bet that your partner is one or more of the following:

  • A drug addict
  • An alcoholic
  • An addict of some form (gambling, sex, love, porn, food, self harm…)
  • An abuser
  • A codependent

There is just no way that your partner is a normal, sane and mentally healthy person. This just does not happen. Healthy people attract and form relationships with healthy people. Unhealthy people attract unhealthy people like flies to shit. This is just a rule of the universe and there is nothing that will change this rule.

drug addicts and toxic relationships

There is only one way to start forming healthy and loving relationships and that is to get clean and to work a program of recovery. If you are in a relationship with someone and you are an addict you will most likely have to let that person go in order to get yourself into a healthy state of mind.

What About Getting into a Relationship When You Get Clean?

Tread with caution here please! This is a very dangerous road. If you are thinking you can get clean and after 2 weeks start getting into a relationship let me set you straight right now. The fastest way to relapse is to have sex or start a relationship with someone!

I’m now 7 years clean and I have watched everyone around me fall from grace and the number one reason has been sex and relationships!

Think very carefully about your life and remember it is literally a situation of life and death. If you relapse you could die. I have seen it happen plenty of times and it is awful.

My advice here is to wait until you are 2 years clean to get into a meaningful relationship with anyone. And yes, you should keep all sexual relations confined to a meaningful relationship!

It is important to work on yourself and to heal yourself before attempting to rock the boat with all the emotions that go with a relationship. If you are an addict chances are that you have never managed to have a healthy meaningful relationship with anyone. You may be 50 years old but you are more clueless about relationships than a 12 year old that is about to have his first kiss! You need to learn how to love yourself and only then can you think about learning how to care for and nurture another person.

And of course sex just opens up another huge can of worms too doesn’t it? Chances are you haven’t even had sex sober right? Sex is another whole topic that I am not going to go into now, but don’t worry I will be getting to this interesting topic at some stage!

So How Can This All Be Fixed?

So if you’ve browsed around my website before you might have read my post about whether addiction can be cured, if not then I suggest you read that.

My suggestion here is to make yourself a promise, that you will wait until you are 2 years clean and working a program of recovery before you get romantically involved with anyone. I know it sounds like a tall order but really the time flies.

You need that time for yourself, to heal and to make changes to your life. You need to grow strong and learn how to love yourself before you can choose a good partner. Trust me, I know this.

I have been in relationships with abusers, with sex and love addicts, drug addicts and seriously mentally sick men. The pain of being in a relationship like this is so intense that I don’t think I can even get it across to you. If you are in a relationship like this, you know what I am talking about.

I am now married to a wonderful man, that loves me and takes care of me and our children. I promise you something, if you can get inside my head and see what I can see now you will understand that a 2 year wait is well worth it. I wouldn’t even call it a sacrifice, it is an investment.

So get yourself into a treatment center or get yourself to a 12 Step meeting and get started with your journey to recovery.

If you have any questions or any feedback please leave a comment. I would love to hear from you.

You're not crazy, you're codependent

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