The Darkest Hour is Just Before Dawn – My real life in addiction

The last week has been quite an emotional journey for me as I have been finishing writing my eBook The Darkest Hour is Just Before Dawn which is made up of real life stories about drug addiction. My drug addiction stories from my life.

I really enjoyed writing this book in the beginning and it was an amazing process but as the time came closer and closer to publishing I got physically sick. At first I assumed it was just the flu but now I can feel very clearly that all the emotions that came up while writing this book have come out and made me physically ill.

Every day this week I have woken up with flu symptoms and every morning around 11am I have started with a headache which became a raging migraine by the time it was afternoon. Last night was the worst. By the time my husband got home from work my migraine was so bad I wanted to vomit.

It suddenly became clear to me that this is not flu, this is all due to me writing about my life in such an honest way, opening myself up to other people and sharing some of my most humiliating and painful experiences from my life – things that happened to me while I was in the throes of addiction.

Thank you to my husband that spent an hour rubbing my back, neck and shoulders last night to help me relax, completely taking away my migraine proving that this is just stress.

I am worried about what my mother will think when she reads it, when she can see how far down I had gone and the awful things I did and the awful things I experienced. I worry whether she will feel guilt or like she failed me.

So a special note to my parents – this book is dedicated to you. You never did anything wrong, this was out of your control.

Without your support and love for me I would never ever have made it out.

The title of the book is something my mother has often said to me when I am struggling with something. She tells me the darkest hour is just before dawn. So when things are at their darkest the sun is about to shine.

There is a darker side to this title too. The amount of times I have been awake all night, wired on drugs, are countless. It reminds me of all those mornings in my life when I realize I have done it again, when the light starts coming in the window and I realize I am a failure.

This eBook will share many of those moments with you.

Drug Addiction Stories Real Life

Drug Addiction Stories Real Life

I bet you are wondering why I wrote this eBook about my addiction?

The first reason is because sharing about my shame and the things I have done actually frees me from them. Shame lives in dark corners of your mind, it thrives on secrets and it grows over time. Taking that shame and bringing it into the light where everyone can see it makes it smaller and it holds less power over me.

These things that I did and that happened to me were awful, but by sharing what happened I can just maybe help others. Maybe a drug addict that is stuck in the cycle of addiction will read my book and find the strength and hope to get clean. Perhaps an addict in recovery reads my book and can relate to what happened to me and his or her shame diminishes just a little bit.

Maybe a mother will read my book and understand her addict daughter and her problem better. Perhaps this mom won’t feel so much guilt afterwards and it will ease her pain.

These are all my hopes for this eBook. I hope it takes something ugly and makes something good come of it.

Alcohol Addiction Stories

Alcohol was present at the start of my journey and at the end. Drinking was the norm in my life and something that I underestimated, something that I thought was not a problem.

Alcohol is dangerous and it is a drug. The worst part of this drug for me is that it is so socially acceptable. Even being drunk is often not looked at as the serious problem that it is.

It is very addictive and very often people think that it is not as dangerous as illegal narcotics.

I don’t think so, I look at alcohol and I see my gate way drug. Yes I also smoked Marijuana – I did smoked it first when I was drunk. Yes I snorted cocaine. I tried it first when I was drunk.

Cocaine Addiction Stories

Strangely enough cocaine only showed up in my life when I was about 24 years old but it took hold of me so fast and dragged me straight down.

In a strange way I should be grateful to cocaine.

Without it I might still be limping along with my alcohol addiction, managing to convince myself that I don’t have a problem. Perhaps it helped me sink so low that I had only a few choices left… get clean, go to jail or die.

Cocaine made me stay awake for days at a time, not eating and becoming more and more delusional as time went on.

Addiction stole 15 years of my life.

From the time I was 14 years old and I started cutting myself, drinking and getting into abusive relationships until the time I was 29 years old and hopelessly hooked on cocaine.

Real Life Drug Addiction Stories

Writing this eBook was quite tricky because everything is so fuzzy. I can’t get things from that time in my life into a chronological order.

Some of the things I remember are fuzzy because of the alcohol and drugs but some of the things I have a few realities in my mind and I can’t figure out which is which.

That must sound so strange but the thing is that as an addict I had to lie a lot to save my bacon.

I would have to tell different people different versions of events, you know one to suit each person? Over time and with retelling things in different ways there are some things that happened in my life but I just can’t figure out which is the real truth.

Another difficulty I had with writing this eBook is that this is my story, but other people were involved too.

For this reason everyone in my eBook is called Bob or Jane, faceless people all with same name. The only distinction being between male and female.

And nobody in my life was called Bob or Jane so this fits nicely. All Bob’s and Jane’s are guilt free.

The first 2 stories in my eBook are free to my subcribers, so if you have signed up for my newsletter previously you should have received your eBook already by email.

If you sign up now you will be emailed your free preview as soon as you confirm your subscription.

You can now buy my ebook from the following websites:

Fiverr

SmashWords

ListingDock

 

Make money promoting my eBook!

And of course since I am an online marketer, if you would like to promote my eBook to your friends, family or on your own website you will get 20% lifetime commission on all sales you make for my eBook from ListingDock.

The standard affiliate commission at ListingDock is 10% but I doubled that just for you!

Coming out next…

My intention for this eBook is that it is the first of three. I have now shared what my addiction was like, how bad it was. I am closing off that chapter for now.

My next next eBook will share my experience getting clean and the last will be my life in recovery, sharing how I stay clean.

Perhaps there will be more eBooks to come, who knows what my journey forward holds.

BUY The Darkest Hour is Just Before Dawn

Please give some honest feedback on my eBook if you have read it!

I would love to hear from you!

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59 comments

  1. Martina says:

    Wow, HUGE hug to you Lynne! You are a strong, brave woman for sharing your story with the world. Congrats to you for gettting clean. Your story will inspire many to make immediate changes in their lives, and you will probably save someone’s life as well. Thank you for being so courageous and putting yourself out there!

  2. George says:

    I personally am not and have never been affected by a drug addiction whether it being myself or a close family member. I therefore have no real experience of what or how it affects the addict or their loved ones. I recently read another article about an addict that actually takes you through the whole process of trying to kiick the habit and from what I read I would really not want to wish that experience on my worst enemies if I had any!

    • Lynne says:

      George it is certainly not a nice experience at all. A lot of people don’t understand addiction and just think well, why don’t they just stop? They think the addict is weak or somehow brought it on themselves.

      Drug addiction is just not that simple, it is a long and painful process to making changes.

  3. Kevin says:

    How very brave of you Lynne! I’m sure it was tough going through the addiction, but I would think it would be tougher to write about it and remember what you went through. This should help others going through the same addictions that you went through. Good luck to you in the future!

    • Lynne says:

      Thanks Kevin. I thought it was easy… that is until I broke down, got sick and nearly vomited at the end of it all.

      Now today my eBook is out there in the world and it is quite an amazing feeling.

      Thank you for your kind words. Addiction is not easy and I hope to make a difference to people that are still struggling!

  4. Sharon May says:

    Sweetheart you’re amazing and I loved your story. My story is different, I survived a very abusive 18 year relationship and my 3 children were involved. The last 2 years of my relationship were very horrible, to the point of suicide and this included my children. I barely had any strength left to fight, I would rather have died; but then my children got up and we fought together and won the battle – we dared to get the police involved and took him to court, we are now free as of 4 years. I’ve since met a lovely man who adores and respects me. My 3 children (23, 19 & 16) are so fab, all things considering they could have turned out bad, but they didn’t. Hugs to you for writing a book – maybe I should do the same because I sure learned a lot.

    • Lynne says:

      Oh my gosh Sharon, that is heart breaking. I am so glad your children were there for you and you could all fight together.

      The more people hear about abuse and addiction the better. You know every often abusive relationships are a form of addiction. In fact if you read my whole story you would have read a few stories that included abuse too!

      Abusive relationships without drugs or alcohol can be sex and love addiction.

      The crazy thing is that I am not even angry with the men that were abusive towards me. I believe they were as helpless and stuck as I was. I pity them because as much as they tried they had no control over themselves and the more they abused the more they couldn’t look at what they had done, the more they abused.

      Another sick cycle that is hard to break. Just like you felt unable to leave… I would rather be the abused than be someone that abuses a person I love and be unable to change. What a horrifying thing.

      I am so glad you have found happiness and peace now!

  5. Helen says:

    Good luck to you and your book which I will certainly share with others.
    I have experience with a family member with addiction and also deal with addicts in my practice. You are doing a wonderful service to everyone by sharing your heartfelt story. Kudos to you.

    • Lynne says:

      Hi Helen, thank you. Yes I am sure there are loads of people with addiction problems. Almost every single person that I tell I am an addict has told me that there is someone close to them that has an addiction problem, some people have told me that they are an addict.

      I believe that being open and sharing my addiction story can only help people.

  6. Linda says:

    First of all, congratulations to you. You’ve come a long way. Your honesty is raw and your story is compelling. I hope it helps many a person. I was just listening to a news story today about opioid addiction and how it has gripped this country. I’m sure your book will be successful and touch the hearts of many. Looking forward to it.

    • Lynne says:

      Thanks Linda, being an addict and talking to people about addiction all the time it is shocking to see how many lives addiction touches. I hope to help spread the message of recovery and to help others overcome their shame.

  7. jeff says:

    Hi Lynn,
    I am new to this but really like your site. I like the way you are offering commission to others who promote your book and hopefully that will help a lot more people in the future.
    Everything I read is so real, and people can relate to exactly what you have experienced. Once a reader is comfortable they can now rely on your book and all of your great info a help to get better. I hope that you are able to help many people through this well put together site.

    Good luck you.

    • Lynne says:

      Hi Jeff

      I assume you mean new to online marketing? Yes it is a great way to work and be able to have the freedom to follow your passions! I can help others and make some money online in the process which to me is an amazing opportunity.

      I am glad you enjoyed this post about my addiction stories. I do hope that it reaches a lot of people and it makes a difference.

  8. Clare says:

    I am sure your family is so proud of you right now. To write so articulately about such a dark time in your life – to release those demons that even made you ill when you were banishing them.

    What a brave lady you are, Lynne. What strength and clarity to not only recognize you needed to get clean. But then to get clean. And then to banish the darkness forever… and help other people do so too.

    What you say about Alcohol is so true. None of us know which of our friends could be an alcoholic. What can be fun and amusing can turn into something nasty and dangerous.

    Congratulations on your book!

    • Lynne says:

      Thanks Clare, writing this eBook has been both an amazing experience and a stressful one. I am glad I have done it now though and that it is out there.

      Now just to write a few more!

  9. SheFashion says:

    Hi Lynne
    Your story is very touching, All I can is that you are a strong woman and fighter like you are needed in this world. Bring dark sides to light is very helpful compared to when you decide to sit on them and let them drag you down.
    Hun, I’m impressed. words cannot be enough. Credits to your loving husband for being by your side throughout.
    Best wishes.

    • Lynne says:

      Thank you so much for your kind words. It is amazing the support and encouragement that I get from people. It makes me stronger and able to share more!

  10. Rosa says:

    Hi Lynne,

    Congrats to you! I have never experienced any drug addition nor know anyone that has gone through this but I think your story is going to touch many lives. You are so brave to share your darkest secrets.

    I think you’re going to help others, and your story will be inspiring to them. I wish you all the best.

    Thank you for sharing.

    • Lynne says:

      Thank you Rosa for taking the time to visit my website. I am so hoping that my story will help others.

      The only way out of the darkness is to share with others about my addiction and where it took me.

  11. peter65 says:

    Hi Lynne,
    You are a wonderful woman with a heart of gold to have decided to expose those dark secrets of your life as an addict, laying it bare to the world.

    There are millions out there wasting away as they are addicted to one dangerous drug or the other.

    Your decision to publish this book will go a long way in helping those involved in drugs to come out of this destructive and life threatening habit. And also it will help parents to handle their children who are addicts.

    • Lynne says:

      Thanks Peter. I really hope to help others by sharing my real life addiction stories, it is something that I am very passionate about!

  12. Susan says:

    Wow, what a great read. This page is packed with valuable information for anyone looking to start the journey to sobriety. I, myself, have never been a victim of drug and alcohol addiction, but a family member of mine is. I would recommend your website to anyone looking for a new start. I see medicinal marijuana was mentioned in a comment. I must agree that there is a real purpose to that, and from what I have read, it does help cancer patients. I look forward to reading more of your posts

    • Lynne says:

      Hi Susan

      Yes the debate about marijuana and whether it should be legalized for medicinal use… and I really don’t see why not. Yes it is a drug, but then again so is Morphine and Codeine and these are prescribed for medicinal use.

      I am sorry to hear about your family member being an addict. It is an awful thing to deal with. I hope this family member has found help and is in recovery.

  13. Rosie Malik says:

    I so admire you for this brave venture; as recovering addicts/alcoholics/whatever, we share our innermost secrets with a select few (if that). Your breaking out in the open will surely help so many identify with your experiences and struggles and know they are not alone. You and I both know this is a most important step, being able to actually ‘identify’ with someone/something that lets you know it is NOT ‘just you’. Thank you seems too small a phrase for what you are doing. Oh, one more thing, how do I affiliate for your books? Please email me if you can…..I would be most honored and know a LOT of people who need this….

  14. Jim says:

    Hello Lynne. That must have been quite an experience, writing about your addiction. I was raise in a house where my father was an alcoholic. And it wasn’t just that he drank a lot, but the problem was that I was terrified of him all my childhood. I drank when I was a teenager and into my twenties, and also smoked grass, and took some drugs, but it never took hold of me. I finally got to where I hated drinking and drugs because of how I grew up I suppose. I then married an alcoholic, though unknowingly at the time. We both drank some, but her drinking became the kind that controlled her. And so I’ve experienced a great deal of the pains of alcoholism. I’m so happy for you that you were able to beat it. I pray for everyone to overcome their addictions, whatever they may be. Many addictions of course aren’t related to drugs or alcohol. But thanks for your articles and for your willingness to share. I wish you success with your book.

    • Lynne says:

      Hi Jim. I am so sorry to hear of your childhood, growing up with an alcoholic father. That must have been very scary and traumatic for you.

      It is so common for children of addicts or alcoholics to then marry an alcoholic or addict!

      Yes I agree with you there, lots of people become addicted to things that are not related to alcohol or drugs, such as food, exercise, sex, porn, gambling and the internet. I really want to cover more of this on my website in the future.

      Thank you for your kind words.

  15. Gomer Magtibay says:

    Reading through your story, I was reminded of the brutal war on drugs launched by our newly elected Philippine President, Rodrigo Duterte. Drug addicts here need to read your ebook!

    The problem is, it is only those that can read and understand in English, who will be able to benefit from your thoughts. But at least, in some degree or percentage, we can minimize the number of people sliding further into the abyss and death.

    Nice written, and will share this on social media.

    • Lynne says:

      Hi Gomer, thank you so much for sharing my post.

      Oh wow, I didn’t even think so far as people with other languages. Well maybe if I am a famous author one day I will have to have my eBooks translated into other languages?

      That would be amazing to be able to reach so many more people.

      Thank you again for your kind words.

  16. Neil says:

    Hi Lynne,

    Thank you for sharing, it’s very brave of you!

    I worked as a chef when I was younger and have seen first hand how alcohol can ruin peoples lives. Many chefs rely on alcohol or other substances to work the long and unsociable hours that they do.

    It is with the help of people like you who are brave enough to tell their story that we can spread the word.

    Thanks

    Neil

    • Lynne says:

      Oh yes Niel. I have worked in plenty of restaurants as a waitress and a bar lady… and alcohol was always flowing freely!

  17. James W D says:

    Lynne I am proud of you. You have committed yourself to overcoming a problem in your life and that my friend is a divine path.

    Everything does happen for a reason in my opinion and sometimes like you said, things have to get worse to realize that you need to get better. I have seen many examples of this in my life from childhood to current life.

    Writing down your stories like this will certainly help give you power over them. Many people underestimate the power of writing things down on a piece of paper, especially in today’s technological age, but I highly recommend it.

    I believe that your book will help others as that is what sharing our stories does. It helps to spread life experience to others and helps to show them the path they are on. This gives them an opportunity to get out before things get worse. Even if you only help one person, I think that all of your efforts would be worth it.

    Keep working it!

    • Lynne says:

      James thank you for such kind words of support. There have been a lot of moments I was too nervous to share my addiction stories so publicly and I put it off for a long time… but like you say it is great to take something so negative and turn it into a positive.

      I would love to believe that this act will save thousands of lives, that would be incredible but I will be so happy to make a small difference too!

      Every bit counts!

  18. Travis Smithers says:

    I think this article is a fantastic idea for helping out others. You are one of many that have gone down a path that very few people will know or understand, but your book and books to come will help shed some light on that.

    Having the courage to help others by telling your story, I believe will in time saves thousands. The reason I say thousands is all the people that have become addicted to prescription drugs created from the pharmaceutical companies is another growing concern and just as destructive as other forms of drugs.

    Lives are being destroyed, and not everyone can turn things around but with the help of people like you that have gone through it and turned the tables around, are what we need to help straighten things out and help people with addictions to obtain better lives that they deserve.

    • Lynne says:

      Oh my gosh yes Travis! In a lot of ways I think that prescription drugs can be even more of a problem to overcome because people can sit in denial longer, thinking that everything is fine because their doctor prescribed the medication.

      Also the addict can believe that prescription drugs are completely different to illegal narcotics and this can be dangerous thinking.

      I used to tell myself I don’t have a problem because I never took heroin. In my mind heroin was more dangerous and addictive than cocaine.

  19. Anis says:

    You are such a brave person, everyone makes mistake in life the most important thing is to learn from those mistakes, you are a strong person and I am so happy that you are clean now and especcialy with an amazing blog that surely will make make lots of money

    Hope you are enjoying life now and have a nice day

    • Lynne says:

      Hi Anis

      Thanks for visiting my website and yes you are right, everyone makes mistakes and goes through tough times. It is about what we do with those things that really matter and make us into the people we are today!

  20. Kinda Bush says:

    Hi Lynne,

    You are a strong, brave woman for sharing your story with the world. Congratulations on having the strength to get clean.

    Your story will inspire many to make immediate changes in their lives, and you will probably save someone’s life as well.

    My daughter has been fighting an addiction of heroine for about 4 years now. She has been in and out of treatment centers and is now going to the Methadone Clinic twice a week to pick up her meds.She has been going there or 8 months now and has been on a schedule to lower the dose every other week, so she will clean and off of the methadone one before Thanksgiving.

    I am so thankfull that she has not used heroine or 8 months now. I will be going to Phoenix for Christmas and can’t wait to pend time with her and have the mother daughter bond again like we had before her addiction.

    I am going to send my daughter your website information. You have so much valuable information, that will help her on her new journey as a clean and responsible person .

    Thank you for being so courageous and putting yourself out there for other addicts to see that it is possible to live again.

    Sincerely,

    Kinda
    Mother of an amazing daughter

    • Lynne says:

      Hi Kinda

      Oh I wish your daughter loads of success with coming off the methadone and I hope she finds happiness and strength this time. Addiction is awful for everyone involved. I have a daughter that turns 5 tomorrow and a son that is turning 3 soon. I just hope and pray that this addiction gene skips them.

      I am so sorry for all you have been through, it must have been a terrible journey for you as a mom! I wish you too strength and happiness. Enjoy the time with your daughter!

  21. carol says:

    Hi Lynne, I want to say congratulations on your e-book and I am sure their will be more to come. I truly can relate I myself am an addict. I am a recovering heroin addict. So I totally get what you are saying and I am sure it will touch someone somewhere hopefully to make that phone call for help. That is hard to do asking and admitting you need help. I know I am so glad I did. So more power to you for sharing your story and so people can see the triumph after the tragedy!!!! GREAT JOB LYNNE!!!

    • Lynne says:

      Carol congrats on your sobriety. I never took heroin and for some reason that made me believe that I didn’t have a problem. Crazy I know but I make myself believe that heroin is a real drug and everything else wasn’t so bad.

      I guess lots of addicts need to have strange beliefs that can assist with their denial. Prescription addicts will believe they aren’t taking drugs and alcoholics will believe that beer is better than whiskey 🙂

      Thank you for your kind words of support. I wish you strength and happiness in your sobriety.

  22. sarahsalina says:

    I applaud your courage in sharing this with the world and also your courage to get clean and stay clean. I think it could definitely help addicts to see that there can be hope and it can help people affected by addicts to possibly understand the addict better. This is an amazing thing you are doing. I wish you much success!

  23. Teresa says:

    Congratulations to you on your sobriety and on writing your book! You have so much to be proud of. I was especially touched at your special note to your parents. As parents, we question every action and blame ourselves for everything. It must be really hard for you to reveal everything in this book to your parents and it’s so kind of you to put their minds at ease that there’s nothing they did to cause it. Bravo, Lynne!

    • Lynne says:

      Hi Teresa, thank you. My parents have been absolutely amazing throughout everything. I always feel so bad for my mom. Firstly because she bore the brunt of my anger while I was an addict. She was the one that could sense something was wrong and when she tried to help me I lashed out at her to protect my addiction.

      I have a lot of guilt surrounding that.

      Plus I am a mother now, and I am always second guessing myself and worrying about my kids.I am always wondering how I could have done things better. My daughter turned 5 yesterday so I am sure this is just the beginning of a lifetime or worrying.

      I can only imagine the guilt my mother must feel. She is a wonderful mom and without her I would never have made it into recovery.

  24. Darrien says:

    Lynne I can’t imagine how much of a struggle it was for you to have to relive those moments while writing your book. As a health care professional, I know first hand that addiction is a physiological process and nothing to be ashamed of. I’m just so impressed with your bravery in opening up to the world. Congratulations on your journey.

  25. Liz says:

    Congratulations on finishing your book! What an achievement. And I totally agree with you-the flu like symptoms most likely are related to all the emotions coming up around this and releasing them. It is a very courageous thing you have done and you have demonstrated real strength. I am sure you will help many people with this book.

    • Lynne says:

      Thanks Liz, it is amazing how a person can really feel emotions in such a physical way. Sharing my real life addiction stories has been a mixed bunch of emotions for me. From fear to elation! So it is not surprising I felt so awful 🙂

  26. Yvonne says:

    Hi Lynne,

    I’ve never had a drug addiction before so I can’t really relate to that experience. But I’m a firm believer that faith in Jesus helps. I heard of many testimonies from my church pastor that many were cured of years of drug abuse, addiction and bondages they kept listening to the grace message.

    On another note, how do I promote your ebook?

    • Lynne says:

      Yvonne having faith can really be a pillar of strength when it comes to fighting addiction. A huge bonus is also that a lot of churches have addiction programs. I am not religious myself but I had to learn to put my faith in my higher power in order to recover.

      On promoting the eBook, you can sign up at ListingDock.com, then head on over to your affiliate section and grab your affiliate link which will look something like http://a.listingdock.com/linkin/306632

      Then you take the end part of the url of my eBook listing and add that on the end of your affiliate link, so add /Books/3472/The-Darkest-Hour-is-Just-Before-Dawn-Real-life-addiction-stories-ebook to the end of your affiliate link.

      You can also promote any products listed there in this way 🙂

      Also note that I have made the affiliate commission 20% on my eBook instead of 10%

  27. Brahma says:

    Salute to you Lynne! I’m sure it was tough going through the addiction, but I would think it would be tougher to write about it and remember what you went through. One of my friend addicted to drugs and alcohols alot and went so many accidents and surgeries, at last he expired. I miss him.
    All the best in the future!

    • Lynne says:

      Brahma, I am so sorry to hear about your friend that passed away due to addiction. Addiction claims so many lives and I have lost a good few friends too.

  28. Anthony says:

    Hi, Lynne. Thank you for your sharing.
    I think you are very brave! Because you do not only openly admit you are an addict but also publish your story in form of an e-book. I believe this book can help others to understand how addicts feel and think so that they know how to help them.

    Good luck to you and your e-book!

    • Lynne says:

      Thank you Anthony. I hope that I do manage to show people through my book how it feels to be an addict. If more people understood the nature of addiction I believe it could make such an impact on the way that people deal with addicts.

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