The last week has been quite an emotional journey for me as I have been finishing writing my eBook The Darkest Hour is Just Before Dawn which is made up of real life stories about drug addiction. My drug addiction stories from my life.
I really enjoyed writing this book in the beginning and it was an amazing process but as the time came closer and closer to publishing I got physically sick. At first I assumed it was just the flu but now I can feel very clearly that all the emotions that came up while writing this book have come out and made me physically ill.
Every day this week I have woken up with flu symptoms and every morning around 11am I have started with a headache which became a raging migraine by the time it was afternoon. Last night was the worst. By the time my husband got home from work my migraine was so bad I wanted to vomit.
It suddenly became clear to me that this is not flu, this is all due to me writing about my life in such an honest way, opening myself up to other people and sharing some of my most humiliating and painful experiences from my life – things that happened to me while I was in the throes of addiction.
Thank you to my husband that spent an hour rubbing my back, neck and shoulders last night to help me relax, completely taking away my migraine proving that this is just stress.
I am worried about what my mother will think when she reads it, when she can see how far down I had gone and the awful things I did and the awful things I experienced. I worry whether she will feel guilt or like she failed me.
So a special note to my parents – this book is dedicated to you. You never did anything wrong, this was out of your control.
Without your support and love for me I would never ever have made it out.
The title of the book is something my mother has often said to me when I am struggling with something. She tells me the darkest hour is just before dawn. So when things are at their darkest the sun is about to shine.
There is a darker side to this title too. The amount of times I have been awake all night, wired on drugs, are countless. It reminds me of all those mornings in my life when I realize I have done it again, when the light starts coming in the window and I realize I am a failure.
This eBook will share many of those moments with you.
Drug Addiction Stories Real Life
I bet you are wondering why I wrote this eBook about my addiction?
The first reason is because sharing about my shame and the things I have done actually frees me from them. Shame lives in dark corners of your mind, it thrives on secrets and it grows over time. Taking that shame and bringing it into the light where everyone can see it makes it smaller and it holds less power over me.
These things that I did and that happened to me were awful, but by sharing what happened I can just maybe help others. Maybe a drug addict that is stuck in the cycle of addiction will read my book and find the strength and hope to get clean. Perhaps an addict in recovery reads my book and can relate to what happened to me and his or her shame diminishes just a little bit.
Maybe a mother will read my book and understand her addict daughter and her problem better. Perhaps this mom won’t feel so much guilt afterwards and it will ease her pain.
These are all my hopes for this eBook. I hope it takes something ugly and makes something good come of it.
Alcohol Addiction Stories
Alcohol was present at the start of my journey and at the end. Drinking was the norm in my life and something that I underestimated, something that I thought was not a problem.
Alcohol is dangerous and it is a drug. The worst part of this drug for me is that it is so socially acceptable. Even being drunk is often not looked at as the serious problem that it is.
It is very addictive and very often people think that it is not as dangerous as illegal narcotics.
I don’t think so, I look at alcohol and I see my gate way drug. Yes I also smoked Marijuana – I did smoked it first when I was drunk. Yes I snorted cocaine. I tried it first when I was drunk.
Cocaine Addiction Stories
Strangely enough cocaine only showed up in my life when I was about 24 years old but it took hold of me so fast and dragged me straight down.
In a strange way I should be grateful to cocaine.
Without it I might still be limping along with my alcohol addiction, managing to convince myself that I don’t have a problem. Perhaps it helped me sink so low that I had only a few choices left… get clean, go to jail or die.
Cocaine made me stay awake for days at a time, not eating and becoming more and more delusional as time went on.
Addiction stole 15 years of my life.
From the time I was 14 years old and I started cutting myself, drinking and getting into abusive relationships until the time I was 29 years old and hopelessly hooked on cocaine.
Real Life Drug Addiction Stories
Writing this eBook was quite tricky because everything is so fuzzy. I can’t get things from that time in my life into a chronological order.
Some of the things I remember are fuzzy because of the alcohol and drugs but some of the things I have a few realities in my mind and I can’t figure out which is which.
That must sound so strange but the thing is that as an addict I had to lie a lot to save my bacon.
I would have to tell different people different versions of events, you know one to suit each person? Over time and with retelling things in different ways there are some things that happened in my life but I just can’t figure out which is the real truth.
Another difficulty I had with writing this eBook is that this is my story, but other people were involved too.
For this reason everyone in my eBook is called Bob or Jane, faceless people all with same name. The only distinction being between male and female.
And nobody in my life was called Bob or Jane so this fits nicely. All Bob’s and Jane’s are guilt free.
The first 2 stories in my eBook are free to my subcribers, so if you have signed up for my newsletter previously you should have received your eBook already by email.
If you sign up now you will be emailed your free preview as soon as you confirm your subscription.
You can now buy my ebook from the following websites:
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Coming out next…
My intention for this eBook is that it is the first of three. I have now shared what my addiction was like, how bad it was. I am closing off that chapter for now.
My next next eBook will share my experience getting clean and the last will be my life in recovery, sharing how I stay clean.
Perhaps there will be more eBooks to come, who knows what my journey forward holds.